February 2012
23 posts
1 tag
Mosquitoes
are just vampire flies.
1 tag
I wish mirrors and pictures would get together
and agree on what I really look like.
1 tag
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered
for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.
1 tag
On the internet you can be whoever you want
It’s strange that so many choose to be stupid.
1 tag
If crazy things keep happening to you
odds are it’s you.
1 tag
Wise people think all they say
fools say all they think.
1 tag
“If you fall, I’ll be there for you.”
– The Floor
1 tag
A wise man
may look ridiculous in the company of fools.
1 tag
Someone needs to invent
an alarm clock that emits the smell of bacon.
1 tag
I love the sense of camaraderie
when an entire line of cars team
up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
1 tag
You never know when it will strike
but there comes a moment at
work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything
productive for the rest of the day.
1 tag
If things around you dont change
change the thing you’re around.
1 tag
Why do we
cut down trees, make paper, then write “SAVE TREES” on them?
1 tag
If a tomato is a fruit
then isn’t ketchup technically a smoothie?
1 tag
How do those do not walk in the grass signs
actually get in the grass?
1 tag
Deja Vu
When you think you’re doing something you’ve done before, it’s because God thought it was so funny, he had to rewind it for his friends.
1 tag
It’s hard to be fit as a fiddle
when you’re shaped like a cello.
1 tag
Imagination
is intelligence having fun.
1 tag
Why does mineral water that
“has trickled through mountains for centuries” - have a ‘use by’ date?
1 tag
The biggest lie we tell ourselves is
“I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”
1 tag
When you were little
“I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
2 tags
Dear Dracula
Remember that night we had a few years ago? Well, you have a son, his name is Edward. Sincerely, Tinkerbell
1 tag
Good looks attract the eyes
Good personality attracts the heart.
January 2012
35 posts
1 tag
Statistically
132% of all people exaggerate.
1 tag
There will always be a song in a playlist
which we always skip, but never delete.
1 tag
Yes, I’ve made mistakes
life doesn’t come with instructions.
1 tag
Those who drink to drown their sorrows
should be taught that sorrows know how to swim.
1 tag
When you aim for perfection
you soon discover it is a moving target.
1 tag
Why did the turkey cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
“Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.”
– President Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1955
“Our Cabinet is always unanimous, except when we disagree.”
– William Vander Zalm, premier of British Columbia, Canada
You can’t have a better tomorrow
if you are thinking about yesterday all the time.
There’s always room
at the top.
1 tag
If an experiment works
something has gone wrong.
1 tag
You’ve cat to be kitten me right meow.
1 tag
Why doesn’t a deli slicer
just have a scale on it?
1 tag
“Wow, that is a nice lookin’ pair of Crocs.”
– Said no one ever
1 tag
ROFL!!
LOL jk i’m still in my chair.
1 tag
Wouldn’t it be a smart idea
to make the sticky part on envelopes taste like chocolate?
1 tag
They say money can’t buy happiness
but it can buy bacon, and that is pretty darn close.
1 tag
Is it my imagination
or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
1 tag
Every good friend
once was a stranger.
1 tag
Have you ever watched Home Alone 2
and wondered how child services haven’t taken him away from his parents yet?
2 tags
“Was that lightning?!”
“No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth”
1 tag
The 50-50-90 Rule
Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there is a 90% probability you will get it wrong.
1 tag
Two antennas met on a roof
fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
1 tag
Note to Self
These Note to Selves don’t work.
1 tag
Worry
often gives a small thing a large shadow.
1 tag
One of the best ways to combat criminals
is by not voting for them.
1 tag
Why can’t everything come pre-shrunk
Who really want to guess what size their shirt will be after they wash it five times